Grief is Hard – Especially Close to Mother’s Day

Just lost my Mother-in-law two weeks ago, buried her remains yesterday.
Unlike all the Mother-in-law jokes, mine was really loving. Don’t get me wrong, we had our disagreements over the past 18 years that she lived with us, but overall, the experience was worth the cost.

What can be really strange is how different grief can be for each experience we have of it. When my own mother died more than 20 years ago, I remember a feeling of being alone in the world, even though my life had many people in it.  This time I feel an emptiness inside me instead of all around me. My wife described a similar difference from when her father passed. When he died she described feeling the loss in her heart; but with her mother’s passing feeling she described a strange disconnection with her hands.

I explained, in my best professional voice, VanDerKolk’s work about how the human mind makes connections between events and our own bodies in different ways, she began to comment on  
how that made sense.  

She described her father as a solid heartbeat in her life, her rock, to whom she went when life was in question; but that her mother represented the arms that held her family together in a huge embrace. Family came from across the country to visit her, and by extension us.  So now with her mother gone, who would keep the connections alive?

It is interesting how many unanticipated consequences occur for people who are grieving, even when they have time to “prepare†for the loss. Even so, no matter how much one prepares, there are always things un-planned-for, un-done, and un-said.  There were events I was not prepared for – like just not wanting to move toward the car drive to the town for the funeral.

It can be even harder for those to whom the death is a relief. When there was immense suffering at the end, or even when the person was the source of great pain and suffering in a person’s life. The feelings of relief causing feelings of guilt; and feelings of grief, sadness, and loss can be confusing.

While the sadness, loneliness, and maybe even regret are difficult, they would be even more difficult without Jesus Christ.  Don’t let anyone lie to you – having Jesus present in my family’s grief did not remove the pain of the loss.  However, believing that my mother-in-la was not hallucinating when she raised her hands to Jesus in her last moments gives me a very different perspective on what happened, and on what happened next.  Research suggests that having a meaning narrative for the loss aids in healthy grief processing of the event, healing of the loss. A faith belief can be an important part of developing a healthy meaning narrative.

Especially when belief in Jesus Christ is not seen as simply a religion, a set of practices or a discipline. I believe He is not an ideal or a concept. He is not a theory, a dogma, or an anthropomorphism. Jesus is a man, God, and my king. He is the scientist and professor who teaches me mathematics, physics, biology, psychology, neurology; as well as sociology, philosophy, especially as it has to do with loving others. He is my brother who comforts me when I cry, and encourages me to take the next hand hold as I summit life’s mountains.

I will miss my Mother-in-law,
I hope to honor her, and my Father in heaven, in the days I have left before I join them all.

If you have or are experiencing loss, it my hope that this message will help you in the process in some way. If you need help navigating grief, I hope you will call our clinic to learn more about how to navigate this place that is not our home.

if you are interested in coming in to our clinic to learn more, please see our website at www.spiritcounselingtx.com.